Can't sleep · List · Ranting

Applying their methods

I’d like to sleep now. But I know that if I try, like all the nights before, I will turn right and left on the bed, and right and left in my head, and I won’t be able to. So I’ll wait and tomorrow, when I’ll wake up, it’ll be 12H00 and I’ll feel again like the laziest person in the world. So I’ve looked it up again. You just need to type such thing as “sleep” on your browser and it’ll show you thousands of webpages telling you how important it is not to drink tea or coffee before lying, how you need to drink hot milk or read a book. And in the end, they’ll tell you to see a doctor if you can’t still sleep after following all their advises. One of them was: write your problems before lying down so that you can feel peace. I thought about it, and since it does not imply drinking anything, I thought I’ll give it a shot.

1) I feel frustrated about all that has been happening since march 11th.

2) I feel bad been frustrated about it because I am in my little comfortable place while other peoples died or lost their homes because of it.

3) I don’t know what I want to do next year, I don’t know if I want to go into grad school or not.

4) I don’t want to have to think about it now but every single person I meet ask me this very question.

5) I hate having to plan anything from now on even though I already thought about it and planed it but starting from before, and after, if I did not have to leave.

6) I don’t even want to make sense anymore.

7) I failed here, and I failed over there too

8 ) I feel useless

9) I don’t know what I’m good at even though i tried making list about it

10) I’d like to have my stuffs back but they seemed to be stuck between Japan and France

11) I feel bad being so attached to these things even though some of my friends had to throw away some of theirs because their uni did not help them as they did with me.

12) I don’t like my room

13) I hate studying in the summer

14) I should feel lucky to be able to study while other can’t.

15) I avoided the SATs and now I need to plan a test for Grad schools

16) I hate whinning

17) But I have been doing so for the past months or so

18) I haven’t been able to say good-bye properly and even thought I said I’ll be back I won’t be able to for a long time

19) I hate the other me, the one that got to stay and finish things up, in another situation, if there was a “if” and a “when”.

I guess I’ll stick to 19 because it’s a cool number. I could go until 42 but then I’ll feel bad been such a snotty kid. In the end, I think it does not make me feel like sleeping more.
It feels weird not to have to go back to class tomorrow, I guess it is what happens to those who fail.

And I met a whale today:

Was pretty cool.


2 thoughts on “Applying their methods

  1. Hello Kitty,
    I suggest you print your list and for each item you figure out a solution. For example, #10 will soon be solved …
    You are not whining but rightfully complaining about a situation you didn’t much choose. But on the other end, would you have stayed in your homecountry, so would you be safe and comfortable and… bored!
    You just have to wait a bit and I am sure things (what, we’ll see…) will happen and will show you a way. And you are free to make those things arise sooner. You’ll spot them as soon as you have got enough sleep. Swimming is an option, because it tires and relaxes the body, and I am sure you must be very tense. Next year is not here yet. Just try to relax (BTW, when was last time you actually relaxed?) And if you are still feeling too bad about yourself, try and make something useful and preferably not too unpleasant (like cleaning thoroughly the room you don’t like… just kidding) or give French lessons to poor students or walk dogs from shelters… I am sure this stressful event will make you stronger… in the future.
    Love from Cupule, P-the-walking leak, Bo, Ba, P-Plo and the thin Plumeau.

  2. first difficult to manage when things were unexpected such as being in vancouver for summer, entering a course when it was due to take place next year, doing translation unstead of conversation…
    usually life is not very easy to handle and even in this protected world, we are susceptible to meet with bad events personal or less personal and we should face them with our previous experiences.
    so try to find any positive aspect of your current situation. I do believe you should invest a new field of action. Action helps us to avoid to turn in our bed.
    Anticipate future with some plans for short term, middle and long term. Future is rich because we do not know for sure what is going to happen.
    Simple facts are more importants tahn philisophical lectures.
    Make some plans for your next trhee weeks off UCB: traveling, helping, investigate new field : cinema, music,kayack, rediscovering vancouver island going to montreal…
    be sure , we will be next to you to help you because you are really special for us as your parents
    ton p affectioné

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