I’d like to sleep now. But I know that if I try, like all the nights before, I will turn right and left on the bed, and right and left in my head, and I won’t be able to. So I’ll wait and tomorrow, when I’ll wake up, it’ll be 12H00 and I’ll feel again like the laziest person in the world. So I’ve looked it up again. You just need to type such thing as “sleep” on your browser and it’ll show you thousands of webpages telling you how important it is not to drink tea or coffee before lying, how you need to drink hot milk or read a book. And in the end, they’ll tell you to see a doctor if you can’t still sleep after following all their advises. One of them was: write your problems before lying down so that you can feel peace. I thought about it, and since it does not imply drinking anything, I thought I’ll give it a shot.
1) I feel frustrated about all that has been happening since march 11th.
2) I feel bad been frustrated about it because I am in my little comfortable place while other peoples died or lost their homes because of it.
3) I don’t know what I want to do next year, I don’t know if I want to go into grad school or not.
4) I don’t want to have to think about it now but every single person I meet ask me this very question.
5) I hate having to plan anything from now on even though I already thought about it and planed it but starting from before, and after, if I did not have to leave.
6) I don’t even want to make sense anymore.
7) I failed here, and I failed over there too
8 ) I feel useless
9) I don’t know what I’m good at even though i tried making list about it
10) I’d like to have my stuffs back but they seemed to be stuck between Japan and France
11) I feel bad being so attached to these things even though some of my friends had to throw away some of theirs because their uni did not help them as they did with me.
12) I don’t like my room
13) I hate studying in the summer
14) I should feel lucky to be able to study while other can’t.
15) I avoided the SATs and now I need to plan a test for Grad schools
16) I hate whinning
17) But I have been doing so for the past months or so
18) I haven’t been able to say good-bye properly and even thought I said I’ll be back I won’t be able to for a long time
19) I hate the other me, the one that got to stay and finish things up, in another situation, if there was a “if” and a “when”.
I guess I’ll stick to 19 because it’s a cool number. I could go until 42 but then I’ll feel bad been such a snotty kid. In the end, I think it does not make me feel like sleeping more.
It feels weird not to have to go back to class tomorrow, I guess it is what happens to those who fail.
And I met a whale today: